Insecure?

Today evening me and family had run off to Taljai for some "quality" time, when I noticed a guy in a red shirt playing a guitar. And naturally Turd, having seen the same thing I saw (maybe not?) began deriding and ridiculing him. The only thing that jumped into my mind about this kind of a reaction was the statement "Haters will hate". Why the insecurity, I wonder? And this was coming from a well-off, "educated" person...maybe he was bristling at a reminder of what he failed (in his opinion) to do? Who knows.

Why can't people in my family bear someone doing something better than them?? Seriously, was it so bad that someone was playing music outside?? And it's not like he was playing badly either. Maybe it was for my benefit...as in, assuming I actually care what Turd and Turdette think. It's a bloody public place...people (he) say(s) less negative things about people defecating or urinating in public. But, playing a guitar is an absolute no-no. Wonder why..?? (Can't have my daughter learning about the rebellious rock culture after all....*cue Satanic laughter.)  It seems that I did an excellent job hiding my true self from these turds in my younger years. This house is a place of inertia and mediocrity, full of people who get pushed instead of getting up and walking (or worse, running) ....and sadly, it includes me right now.  Come results and I'll be walking on my own. come 2-3 years later..who knows?? It is in my hands. That alone is a huge motivator.

Well the best weapons while dealing with daily life are indeed humor and sarcasm.

Some introspection...

I was browsing School survival forums today (http://forums.school-survival.net/) and it occurred to me that I actually am a person. Not just a thing, or even an animal (I think of humans as animals too)- but a person. And, with that label come requirements that I'd classified as too troublesome in my current situation, i.e respect, freedom, individuality, etc..so why did I just give up?? For those who don't know, the last 12 years of my life have been wasted at Muktangan. I like to think of myself as fairly bright- I have various interests besides the 10 or so subjects offered at formal educational institutions,such as music, languages, various arts like natural dyeing, etc. The problem? School (and the so called "junior college" as well) ate up 5-6 hours of my time daily..and it was a huge waste, considering that the tuitions i took provided me with better teachers, less homework, better understanding of the topic and more free time as well. I kid you not- by sacrificing a few days in the vacations, the 11th-12th std. classes were done in 3 hours per day. And while some of the best teachers at my school had troubles handling a class of 60 students, our maths professor could easily get a class of 90-100 to pay attention. Honestly? Except for Bio (which was self-study), most of the stuff i remember today is what the teachers from tuitions taught me. I owe my knowledge of algebra, calculus, logarithms, and basic geometry to them. (Not just the 11th-12th tuition teachers, btw. I changed classes pretty often thanks to momster, and the best teachers I have seen have taught at private classes.) My point is, with all those statistics you've seen, I concluded school was wasting my time and energy. For hell's sake, i could have devoted those hours to German, Japanese, computer programming and whatnot. Instead i was forced to sit in a room with people i had nothing in common with, listening to hours upon hours of drivel...this quote sums it up the best.
 "The structure and attitudes presently used to impose education on children developed around the time of the industrial revolution. Since factories required workers to be minimally educated so they could run machines without chopping their hands off, a system quickly evolved that would be the best training for dutiful 9–5 laborers. Children were constrained to receive an assembly-line education, with appropriate information shoved into their heads by the particular worker at a particular station, and, after a designated time, were spit out the other end like so many radios. Today, children are still taught the moral value of getting up at 7 am every morning, going to a place you don’t want to be, with a lot of people you’d consider your inferiors to take instructions from someone you can’t respect. This trains you to be a responsible citizen who will contribute to the workforce without grumbling, questioning or inciting to riot." See the full post here-http://www.churchofsatan.com/mandatory-education.php



And as to why I simply gave up..the credit for that goes to my parents too. When they pulled me out of a tuition class because of low marks in something i couldn't care less about (in 6th), i realized that they saw me as a thing. According to them, I was something to be controlled, ordered around and the tuition teacher and "god" was responsible for my marks, not ME or my efforts. That's when I stopped caring; if god and my teachers were responsible for my marks, why the hell was i studying anyway?? In hindsight, I shouldn't have worried about what those two turds thought; but i was really hurt by this at the time. Years of doing the minimum needed to pass followed, and by 11th I stopped giving a fuck. Actually, I was ready and eager to study when i was attending a college in the Cantonment area for about a week or two. Then came Muktangan AGAIN, with it's stupid restrictive and unnecessary rules. I like to think that the general attitude of my class- wearing jackets over those horrible uniforms which really shame one of the most beautiful, diverse colours-blue, actually..anyone who has lived in Pune and seen them will get it. and the silence-we stopped responding to teachers unless directly called upon. Even then, all they got was a flat stare and a few words. I did horrible in 12th. I haven't gotten my results yet, but I'm sure it will be around 50-60%, 65-ish if I'm lucky. Throughout most of my school time I was focused on having as much fun as possible, and I'm glad i accomplished at least this one goal. There are many important things school taught me, but I could have learnt them just as well by reading one of Machiavelli's books. I am grateful to my classmates (both 10th and 12th) for making this craphole bearable. To my parents? I want to get the hell away from them, seeing as I'm not allowed to murder, incapacitate or torture them. I wouldn't want to spend any more time in jail for their sakes either. Yes, I hate them. And i count that as one of the things that constitute the silver lining of my life.


Apparently, I will be an adult this year. Turd and Turdette are once again trying to take control of my life. A huge confrontation is coming on the 20th- I will be standing up to the caveman and wrestling my life back from him. Am i nervous? Yes. Can I do it?? Hell yes.